Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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