He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
