Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
