how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
