I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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