Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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