Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
