Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
