My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
