I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
