Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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