Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
