Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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