like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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