so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
