btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So vagazzling was a success
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
