so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
