If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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