dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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