i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
