you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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