What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
