Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
