He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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