My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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