Betty ford says i'm here all night
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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