i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
