funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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