Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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