There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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