Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
