my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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