I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
