It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
