update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
