im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just had sex bonerless
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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