dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
