I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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