Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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