I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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