So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
