Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
