just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
