By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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