So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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