There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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