Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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