I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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