Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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