apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
