You're my little dorito
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
